Words Are Like Weapons….

If we don’t accept who we are, flaws and all, how can we expect others to accept us? These are my words to someone else, but this is one of my BIGGEST struggles. I have a very hard time accepting my appearance, my weight, and who I am because of things I’ve been told during my lifetime. I don’t want to be that way, but when I think about things that have been said, I can’t move on to think about myself any differently.

I always wonder what others think of my appearance or if they are making fun of me in any way. What are they thinking? Are they talking to themselves in their head about how I look? Do they think I just sit around eating tons of crap? I know that’s not what we are supposed to feel, but I just can’t help it at times.

I’ve always struggled with my appearance as far back as I can remember. My friends were thinner, prettier, wealthier, etc. I have always felt like I was in someone else’s shadow, not the person in the lime light. I know that we aren’t supposed to compare ourselves to others, but I have done it all my life. One of my friend’s Mom would always mention something about my weight, even though I was skin and bones, and had been questioned about having an eating disorder. That was the first time in my younger years that I remember questioning myself as to whether or not I was overweight. Are young children supposed to be thinking about things like this? Why would adults put down a younger person by saying something about their weight unless there really was some truth to it? That day is vivid in my mind. I remember staring at myself in the mirror for a long time before taking a shower that night. I couldn’t see what she was talking about, but then I started convincing myself that maybe she was right. I mean yeah, my legs did have a little thickness to them, so the title of “thunder thighs” (as she put it) did apply to me. But where was this fat she mentioned? I felt like I was pretty thin, but yet, I questioned my appearance because of a comment that was made. I was always self-conscious about myself when I was around this Mom after that day. I still am, but the good thing is, I don’t see her very often.

There was one time that I felt super confident with myself in my adult life. I was confident with who I was, my appearance, and where I was in life. I wore cute clothes, and I didn’t see any “bad” in it. It wasn’t until one day that I read something that someone wrote about me. It stopped me dead in my tracks, and those words still haunt me to this day. That person was talking about me being fat, along with some not so nice things about my appearance. I was shocked. This was someone that I confided in for so many years, someone who I would do anything for. Is this really what they thought of me? What made them say this? Why do they act differently to my face when I ask for their opinion? I remember being hurt for quite some time. Heck, just thinking about it brings back so many mixed feelings. They don’t know that I ever read that. Would they try to explain themselves for what they said? Would it even matter? Words are words, written or said, and they cannot be taken back. I never even told them that I knew what they thought of me. I was just way too hurt to even bring it up. To this day, unless they are reading this and remember writing that, they have no idea that I know what they really thought about me back then. What does this person think about me now? Do they still call me fat behind my back? Do I care about their opinion….yes, I really do, but now I know better than I did back then to think that they fully accept me for who I am and that they are truthful with their words.

I really do hope that my girls will never have to go thru any of this. I do not want someone’s rude, untrue words to play mind games with them all their lives. I know that people say things sometimes just to be hurtful, and I know they will go thru heartaches, but I hope it isn’t anything that anyone has said about their body and/or their appearance.

NOBODY needs to deal with ANY of this! It breaks my heart to read things on social media where people are body shaming others. What’s the purpose in doing that? Do you feel that insecure about yourself that you have to put someone else down? Why not say something to try to help them up? Do you know the path they have been down? Do you know if they have any illnesses that keep them from appearing healthy on the outside?

I’m slowly starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m a work in progress, and I hope that writing out these instances will help me be able to heal and move on. I’ve carried these things with me for so long, and it is now time to “let them go”. Will that be easy to do, no, the scars are there, and they always will be. Do I hold a grudge for what was said? No, I’ve “forgiven” them a long time ago. It’s taken me a long time to be able to discuss these things “out loud”. I believe it is part of the healing process.

So, if you take anything with you from this blog post, I hope it is this:

NEVER USE UNTRUE WORDS TO BEAT SOMEONE DOWN. THEY WILL HAUNT THAT PERSON FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES WHILE YOU MOVE ON! THEY MAY PUT ON A FAKE SMILE IN FRONT OF YOU AND ACT AS IF THEY ARE OKAY, BUT DEEP DOWN INSIDE, IT’S EATING THEM ALIVE!!

Love Your Body

There are many things that I fight myself over. A couple of the hardest struggles are loving myself and loving my body. I struggle with those two things on a daily basis. I am insecure about my body and about my appearance. My self esteem isn’t all that much. There are times when I do feel confident that I look nice, but those are few and far between.   Then there are the days when I’m feeling the slightest bit of confidence and have a little self esteem, and someone will make a negative comment that will crush me back down to the ground.

Today as I was walking to my vehicle after work, I could see an orange sticker on it. At first I thought maybe the Security Guard left me a nice little love note telling me I had parked incorrectly or something.  To my surprise,  there was a note on my window:

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At first I was shocked and didn’t know what to think. For a minute or two I thought I had a stalker and wondered if I was being watched as I read the note. Then I thought that maybe one of my coworkers had done it.

I looked around and noticed that there were a few other cars that had notes on them. I wasn’t being stalked. Whew! I decided to go see what the notes said:

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Wow, that is really sad. I know peer pressure and bullying is bad, but kids should be having fun at those ages and not worry I about dieting. Do their parents know what they are doing? Do the parents themselves put the kids on diets?

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This is very true. I have plenty of friends who are thin and healthy who think they are fat. They are always looking into different diets to see what they can do to lose weight.  I tell them to stand next to me and they will see just how not overweight they are.

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I agree that magazines fill our heads with images of how society expects us to look. Almost every single magazine you pick up has at least an ad and/or article about weight loss. They keep telling us that if you are a size 10 or bigger, you are considered to be overweight.

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It’s almost Prom time. Have you seen the dresses in magazines? You’ve gotta be super thin to look “good” in them, and there’s no room for any kind of tummy, even if it is PMS bloating. I hear quite a few young girls saying they need to lose 10 pounds to fit into such and such dress, or that they will look like a cow in their swimsuit during Spring Break if they don’t lose the weight.

I have no idea who wrote these notes or how they knew if women drove the vehicles they left the note on. I do know that my note hits home. Does the person who wrote the note know me or read my blog? Will I ever know who wrote the note? Probably not. I wish I did know who wrote it so I could tell them, “Thank you”.

I am working on accepting who I am and loving myself just the way that I am. I got this “sign” from my Bestie.  I am going to print it out and put it on my mirror so that I can read it every day.

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It will take baby steps to regain feelings of love for my body, but I know that I will get there someday!

Welcome To My Blog….

Welcome everyone! I’ve decided to step out of my comfort zone and share with everyone that I am not comfortable with who I am…..by that, I mean my appearance and my weight. I’ve decided that I’m going to keep a blog while I’m on my journey to being the person that I want to be. It’s going to be a struggle at times, and I can’t promise that my blog entries will be filled with sunshine and happiness! What I can tell you is that I WILL NOT tolerate rude or bully type comments left here on my blog. I will block those that leave any kind of comments like that. It’s hard enough feeling the way I do about myself, I don’t need anyone adding to that! The awesome thing about this journey is that I know I have an awesome supporter who loves me and accepts me for me! I also have some friends by my side who are walking the same journey I am! Even though I may feel all alone at times, I know that I’m not! Feel free to stay on this journey with me if you’d like! If you decide to bail, no hard feelings! I’ve got this!! Taking the first step is the hardest, and I’m ready to do just that! Besides, I’m the ONLY ONE holding myself back from getting the journey started! Here I Go…….